For me living with depression is something I have had to get used to; it will always be with me. Medication is definitely helping but the level of medication needed to eradicate the depression would also kill me as a person - I'd exist in a dulled world. Of late I have got better at noticing the warning signs and consciously adjusting my behaviour to prevent a crash. However there are times when external factors jump up on me giving me no time to adjust and this happened to me the other night. I am currently fighting off a chest infection with the aid of antibiotics and oral steroids and this and the enforced inactivity won't have helped. However I was still surprised when I plunged into despair while trying to get to sleep and what I experienced led to the following poem.
Eli, Eli, lamasabachthani?
My God, My God, why have You deserted Me?
I cried in the dark
of the night
My God, My God, why have You deserted Me?
As the thick veil of depression
enshrouded me
My God, My God, why have You deserted Me?
As hope faded to
nothing
And then I was silent
And in the silence a
voice spoke
“I thought you’d deserted
me.
In your pain and
suffering I was always there
Even when the fog
descended
But you let go of my
hand when you lost sight of me.”
My God, My God, why have I deserted You?
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